That moment when everything falls apart, and all you can do is look up, breathe deep, and pray.
I’ve spent the last month trying to get my life together. I’m not saying that it was perfect before that, but the goals I wanted to achieve were a lot easier to see. I fought, I struggled, and I wrote, but in the end, I ended up in the desert with my eyes glued to the skies. I waited. I did, for a long while. I guess it just isn’t the time yet.
I’m not justifying my complaining attitude; I’m just trying to figure things out. I’ve been in college for nearly five years now. Some of you might say, “Well, that’s not too bad,” or, “Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be like?” The truth is, it would be, if it weren’t for the fact that it is a community college, whose only focus has become to have students finish there and move on to uni elsewhere. Although that’s exactly what these kinds of colleges are supposed to do, it wouldn’t hurt (in fact, it would uplift) their students to see the institute try to become a four-year institute. (Hit ya right in the head, didn’t it?)
I guess you could say it’s because I didn’t have balance, and, like I said, I’m not trying to justify my complaints or my mistakes. However, within that time, balance wasn’t an available option. It just wasn’t. I repeated that for those of you that may say to me, “it’s a choice; it’s always a choice.” I get that, because that’s what I tell everyone. But what I’m saying now is, it wasn’t an option that seemed selfish to me. There were too many people to take care of, too many things to get done, and too many places to serve. I’m not trying to do it all, and maybe being selfish at that moment would’ve (how some of those that hate to lose arguments say) hurt less people, it just isn’t in me to be that selfish. I mean, make me mad, and I’ll be something like that, but doesn’t everyone have those moments? Those moments don’t stick, and what drove me to choose what I chose was the fact that the choices I make WILL stick.
I have this conversation going inside my head, and I’ll say this – you could be right. I could have had it all: the degree, the appreciation, the life I want, etc. But none of those, honestly, have ever really been what I truly wanted. What I want is what some of the most amazing people I’ve met want: a peaceful life and to be happy. This is where it gets complicated.
I totally get that for a lot of us, a life like what I’m envisioning is just not possible. And for a lucky few, it’s not possible for them, but it is possible for others, like their kids. I’m not asking to change the world so rapidly and carelessly, and I’m definitely not advocating laziness. What I am trying to get us to think about and remember is our motives. Sure, people say always mind your motives and your intentions. But do we ever really get why?
Our motives are what pushed us to move, and our intentions are what determines our actions. That’s pretty much already known. So all that’s left is to connect the two: motives & intentions and keeping them in check. You see, a lot of times, what we want comes from something produced out of our other motives. For example, you motive was to get a degree. Now ask yourself why, and don’t try to paint it pretty or add sugar to it. Why a degree? I’m pretty sure most may have reasons that qualify as “good”, “great”, or even “excellent”. But for a few that said for the money or for the job, what else had come out of those motives? For those that said for a better life, what is the definition of a better life?
I met this lady the other day, and she was a remarkable woman. She had been everywhere in the world, and she showed me pictures of some of the places she’d been to, including her most favorite place. I saw the look in her eyes, and they spoke of a joy no one else could possibly know but her, a joy that rare, almost pure. I totally get that some parents want that for their children and, of course, themselves. She had it all: the money, the looks, the family, the education, and (surprisingly) the family. But let’s get real. Very few of us will ever get there. For an even unluckier few, we’ll end up sacrificing everything else God had given us for things that may never make us really happy. That’s what I’m afraid of.
I’m afraid that one day, after I had chosen the things I’d chosen, I won’t have anything that will make me happy. I’ll be miserable and lost. Balance, in those times, meant just that – the loss of nearly everything that my life sings about. My family, my friends, and the people I take care of. I’ll admit (for some of you that may not know), I am a Christian, and yes, I am bisexual. You can be both, though I should warn you it isn’t justified in the Bible (which, in my opinion, is still very much applicable and relevant; read with the Holy spirit, people). Balance, at that time, wouldn’t mean loss of my love-life (which I couldn’t care less for), but loss of those I tried to keep in the church. There are others like me, and they think that just because we’re the way we are, we can’t come near God anymore. I’m glad to say that at least, many of the people I’ve come into contact with understand that even while we’re like this, we still need God. We still need hope that lasts forever and love that’s so unconditional that it’s reckless abandon. We still need all of that. I still need all of that.
The last month had shaken me (not because of my sexuality, duh) because of how my life seems to be falling apart. My mother’s sick, my father’s headed that way with his habits, my sister’s pregnant, and I’m stuck in square one. It that kind of a moment when you feel you want to move on but you can’t, and all anybody can give you is a angry look. All I ever understand from those looks is, “you’re so selfish.” Am I selfish? Am I the only that was selfish?
All that’s left for me right now, at this moment, is just a need to pray, to organize my thoughts, because if I make a move now, I could lose everything. Being that I am at the edge of things hanging by my fingers, I don’t care if I lose the baggage that doesn’t matter; I’ll forgive everyone and I’ll ask them for forgiveness. What I can’t lose, what I choose not to lose, is the ones that make my life worth living, the ones that make everyday alive, and the One that has made me alive.
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